Know Your Enemy, Know Yourself

The proverbial mirror of who we are

Standing in the passageway not knowing which way to turn, she walks past me with a look, a glare. Did that mean something, does she know something I don’t, did I do something wrong? I return to my desk, I know thats a safe place. I’m in the drivers seat there. But what of the other people. How do I do it, what do I do next?

I leap out of my seat! A sudden jolt, was that nerves, not knowing or something else. What is happening to me. She return’s next to me. How do I manage this situation I ask myself? What do I do? Where do I look? Do I leave?

Bury myself in something I do know I think, somewhere I can apply logic. That will work, that will help me.

Love it he said, you have to find work you love. How is this helping me now? Am I supposed to keep taking this and just keep moving forward? Have others had to do this? Why does this seem so hard? What on earth is going on?

Ok, I know what to do next, I’ve done this routine a number of times before. Again and again it plays over in my mind. What do I do, how does it work. I don’t get it…

Let’s look back, let’s reflect, let’s see how far we’ve come… Did I do this for others, was I creating an image of myself, a projection of who I wanted to be. How did this happen?

I had discovered myself.

The false fake persona I had of the world had been torn down and taken away, I could feel only the pain. Feel only the unloved inner child who had no where to turn. “How can this happen, how is this possible” I mutter down the phone to the nice lady. Thank god for her. Thank god for google search. Thank god she was trained.

Me, I wasn’t trained. I was an open wound with a disrupted sense of emotions, a different being and now, a destabilised belonging. All that pain, the internal battle. None of it had ever belonged to me. That wasn’t who I was. “How could I have allowed myself to be that way” Suddenly I’m in touch with myself! Standing on the 12th floor looking over the edge there’s a drawing of a man on the pavement indicating where to walk. Is that a target, is that where I would land? Something inside tells me no, tells me there’s something more. How little I kew at the time. How little I understood. I’d been bonded to the world in such a way that to this day I still don’t understand.

That is the power of learned behaviour, that is the power of self discover.

With time, you will find all the answers inside.

Go #FindYourself